Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul

Being afraid of any bug you can kill with one stomp.

Why we use those little fish food pellets for communion. We have multi-million dollar sound systems. Bread is too expensive?

Why none of the children I grew up with had peanut allergies, but today every third kid swells up if he walks past a jar of JIF.

The parents who bring two year olds to the 10:00 movie. I know, you can’t get a sitter and you, wrongly, believe your child will fall asleep or play quietly. Let me tell you what will really happen: he will wriggle and wail and neither you nor anyone else in the theater will enjoy (or hear) the movie they paid $11 to see.

Decorative soap.

Why one of my investment reports arrives wrapped in thick black plastic. My mailman probably thinks I’m ordering porn.

Being passive-aggressive. It requires so much more energy in the long run.

Non-Italians who pronounce ricotta “Reeh-coht-tah.” (Maybe that’s something I find annoying, not confusing. Hmm—another list idea.)

Why I have to remove my shoes and scrimp on shampoo to get through airport security but the catering people and luggage handlers who actually spend their days hanging around airplanes receive only occasional security checks.

People who ask a question and then interrupt you as you start to answer.

Why church leaders obsessed with “cultural relevance” also preach 35 minute sermons.

Further confusion here.

I’m guessing at least 50% of you attended a “Harvest Party” or “Trunk-n-Treat” at your church last month, and at least 25% more attend a church that held one.

Which is all fine, as far as it goes, although I take issue with two of the most commonly given reasons for these sugar-fests: that they provide a safer alternative to traditional trick or treating, and that they are a powerful outreach activity to the community.

Although some local news stations still dust off the razor-blades-in-the-apples story each October, Snopes.com disproved every instance of candy tampering ever reported in conjunction with Halloween. It’s just a myth—as is, most likely, the adult who actually gave apples.

These events also fail to reach our communities. Lots of people may show up and the church might receive some good press. A few families may even return for a weekend worship service because of the experience they have on your campus—although I’d bet a Snickers bar your church doesn’t know if that’s happening. Meanwhile, we spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars recruiting volunteers, organizing games, and haranguing church members for candy donations.

Or there’s Christmas. I don’t have the Snopes link to prove it, but do you know anyone who became a Christian because of a Christmas cantata? Usually the audience for such things is comprised of the family and friends of those in the choir, most of whom are already believers. (This is doubly true for children’s programs.) Again, the investment of time and energy  is out of all proportion to the spiritual ROI.

If we really want to show love to our neighbors at Halloween, we could follow the example of my own parents, who make a big pot of apple cider, park themselves in lawn chairs at the bottom of their driveway, and give cups of the hot drink to every tired, cold parent who comes along with his tiny princess/pirate/Disney character. They talk to their neighbors, serve them in a small way, extend friendship, and ooh and aah over little people in costumes. (They give candy, too, the good stuff—kids aren’t excited about cider.)

Or, like Journey Christian Church, we could organize a “Light Night” and challenge members to creatively transform their homes into places of light and welcome on this traditionally dark evening. My fellow blogger Arron, who serves as senior minister at Journey, says the church offered a variety of ways for people to participate (set up games or bounce houses, make popcorn or cotton candy, host costume contests, and–yes!–give out hot cider). Members were encouraged to distribute info about Journey’s programs for kids and copies of the Gospel of John along with the candy.

At Christmas, what if we asked church members to spend Wednesday night having dinner with a non-Christian neighbor instead of attending choir practice with lots of already-Christians? What if, instead of lining the sanctuary with video cameras to capture Junior’s debut as wiseman #3, we opened our homes for Advent parties for all our kid’s friends?

I’m really not lecturing—there’s more I can do in this area, too. But let’s be honest—we do Fall Fests and Christmas pageants because these things make us feel good. If we really wanted to serve and reach non-Christians, we’d be doing something else.

This, proof that attending Harvard does not make you smart, will be our last “unbelievable” for a while. I’d like to be there when Schafly has lunch with the KJV-only guy.

New Conservative Bible will eliminate ‘liberal’ text: Version removes adultery story

If Andy Schafly has his way, there will be no socialists or snake handlers in the Bible. No woman caught in adultery. And, definitely, no Stephen Colbert.

Schlafly, founder of Conservapedia.com, wants to save the Scriptures from liberals with his latest venture, the Conservative Bible Project. He says translations like the New International Version have added socialist ideals to the Good Book. But his rewrite of the Bible has drawn criticism from biblical scholars, liberals and conservatives.

Schlafly, son of national political activist Phyllis Schlafly, says a conservative Bible should be masculine, for example, using the words mankind and man rather than more inclusive language. It also should shun terms like laborer or comrade. It also should put a free market spin on the sayings of Jesus.

Take Mark 10:25, where the King James Version says, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Liberals have used that passage to attack the wealthy, Schafly said. The Conservative Bible substitutes “a man who cares only for money” for rich man.

“I don’t think Jesus is saying, ‘Let’s all be lazy so we can get to heaven.’ That’s not the message. And, if you translate the word rich as simply rich, some people are going to get the message that ‘I am going to be lazy so I can get to heaven easier,’” said Schlafly, who graduated from Princeton University with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering and computer science and from Harvard Law School as an attorney, according to his Web site.

Click here to read the rest from a recent front-page story in The Tennessean—which is proof that Nashville needs a better newspaper.

Just type in the amount you want to lie about on your expense report, and Expense-A-Steak will do the rest, even providing digital versions of rumpled, slightly unreadable, but legit-looking receipts.

Amazing Grace Baptist Church to Burn Bibles, Other Books for Halloween: King James Bible ‘Only True Word of God’

The pastor of the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, North Carolina plans to celebrate Halloween by leading his fourteen member congregation by burning Bibles. Pastor Marc Grizzard is not a Satan worshiper or a militant atheist.

Pastor Grizzard says that he is a Christian. However it seems that the Amazing Grace Baptist Church believes that only the King James Version of the Bible is the true word of God and that all other versions are “perversions” and “Satanic.” Along those same principles, Pastor Grizzard intends to burn books written by Christian authors such as Billy Graham and Rick Warren.

Click here to read the rest…

10/25/09: An update: “We are not burning Bibles written in other languages that are based on the Textus Receptus. We are not burning the Wycliffe, Tyndale, Geneva or other translations that are based on the Textus Receptus. We will be serving bar-b-que chicken, fried chicken and all the sides.”

In my quest to become more positive, I am trying valiantly to look forward to the upcoming winter season, otherwise known as The Five Straight Months of Cold Feet. In that spirit (the positive one—didn’t you identify it in the previous sentence?) I have attempted to brainstorm some good things about winter:

1. Sitting by the fireplace TO GET WARM

2. Reading a good book while snuggling under a blanket TO GET WARM

3. Wrapping great scarves around my neck in jaunty positions TO GET WARM

4. Burrowing under the covers with my hot water bottle TO GET WARM

5. Enjoying cafe au lait and hot chocolate TO GET WARM

6. Wearing soft merino wool sweaters TO GET WARM

7. Cuddling with a nice boy TO GET WARM

8. My fun peacoat with gold buttons I bought TO GET WARM

9. Steaming hot baths with essential oils TO GET WARM

10. Fuzzy chenille socks that I wear TO GET WARM

Yeah, this is going well.

I’ve written before (here and here and here….okay, a lot) about prayer. I don’t get how it works. I don’t always believe that it works. I don’t know why I get yes answers to some things and silence to others and no answers to others. I don’t know what God causes and what he allows. I’m skeptical and cynical about other people’s God-is-awesome Facebook status updates “claiming the victory” for continual blessings.

Since you’ve tolerated my ramblings on this subject (oh yes, there are more……here, and here, and here), I wanted to let you know I finally figured out my theology on this subject:

I don’t understand it. I probably won’t understand it in this lifetime. I’m still suspicious if you claim to understand it. But I believe Jesus is real and He’s listening.

That’s all I’ve got.

One moment someone whispers, “Thank you.”

Just then another heart cries, “How could you?”

And Jesus, who sees us,

He says, “I hear you.”

“I’m near you.”

It may be miles and miles before the journey’s clear

There may be rivers, maybe oceans of tears

But the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding

Is the hand that will be holding you for miles

In Christian circles we like to quote Romans 12 and say worship is a lifestyle and not really about music at all. In fact, my blogging comrade Arron wrote a good post about this last week, and I agree with the points he makes.

However, while we say this, we plan “worship services” which usually include mostly music and a sermon. The budgets for “worship” and the “worship staff” and “worship programs” are often some of the largest in the entire church. And many meetings, conferences, blogs, and books revolve around rehearsing, resourcing, and relevant-izing these 15-30 minutes of music each week.

One of my friends plans to start a church that moves away from this focus. In fact, he plans to include no music in their weekly gatherings at all; instead he’ll include observational and improvisational comedy that he believes will connect more easily and more genuinely with a non-Christian crowd.

He asked me to join a small team for a day-long meeting to brainstorm about this new project, and I’d love to hear your thoughts before I fly to California next week.  Why has singing and playing music become the only method for corporate worship? Is it a problem for us to know that worship is an attitude of honoring God in every moment but to talk like it’s singing—preferably with ecstatic emotion—for 20 minutes on the weekend? Are there other, equally biblical ways to “do church”?

I’d like to propose a new political party.

“Conservatives” are generally against abortion and for the death penalty. Liberals are often for abortion and against the death penalty. Yes, these are generalizations, but I’m a politician now.

What’s interesting are the many issues concerned with living life, not just entering it and leaving it: conserving the environment, ending slavery and trafficking, reducing poverty, improving health care, controlling access to guns, and others. Although many of these are also considered “liberal,” sincere thinkers in both parties feel strongly about these issues.

In fact, Gallup reports the number of moderates is growing. In weekly surveys since January 2007, more people identified themselves as “Independents” (instead of Republicans or Democrats) 71% of the time.

Many Americans feel the current red and blue polarities in this country, which are becoming more polarized all the time, do not offer the flexibility for a world of blended colors. I believe science has proven babies are alive before they leave the womb and should be protected, but I’d like to see us take better care of the planet they’re inheriting. I think it’s a crime that 20,000 people die each year because they can’t afford medical care and that every developed country in the world except the US takes care of its own citizens (T.R. Reid), but I also think a government-created solution has risks.

As much as we might prefer it, complex social, cultural and political issues are not adequately addressed by pat answers from the red or the blue (or, ahem, hyperbolic sound bites about “death panels.”) It’s time for a Purple Party.

I would rather scrub toilets than work on most church staffs. I’d even prefer cleaning the bathrooms at the church. But I might change my mind if Church of the Incarnation came calling.

This new congregation just held its first services this past Sunday at St. Matthew and St. Timothy church, an Episcopal congregation near Central Park. (You’d know all this if you received the CS enews. Sign up here.)

In keeping with the more formal (and beautiful) worship space there, Church of the Incarnation has adapted a liturgical service style. Of course, this is also user-friendly to the many unchurched New Yorkers with Catholic, Orthodox, and Anglican backgrounds. Services combine prayers of confession and responsive readings with songs from a variety of time periods. You can find examples of their liturgies here.

“The new church has an old name for a specific reason,” says Orchard Group, the church planting organization that helped to start COTI. “First, ‘Incarnation’ ties the community and its vision to the heart of the good news in Scripture—God taking on flesh in Jesus Christ in order to renew all of creation. Second, ‘Incarnation’ ties the community and its style to practices of worship shared by the ancient church. New churches in the city who are more contemporary in feel are healthy and effective. Yet Incarnation is taking a different approach by retrieving a range of ancient practices in the hopes of providing a hospitable environment for New Yorkers who might not gravitate towards more contemporary expressions of faith and worship.”

I love this, and I can’t decide if I’m more envious of Rhesa Storms, who plans the weekly services, or Jonathan Williams, who organizes service projects, book clubs and movie groups. If you guys need any help, give me a call. Bathrooms are negotiable.